I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
