Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
