Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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