I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
