maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
