I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
