I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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