I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
