My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
When are your genitals available?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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