somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
this is an emotional support booty call
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
