I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
