Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
