Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
