You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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