i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
