so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
