So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Randomize
