YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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