my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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