Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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