walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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