I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
