Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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