Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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