i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
