my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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