i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
