Sry I called you an 8
Tell her she can't have a vagina
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
