Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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