I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
