final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
