You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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