there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
