drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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