i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
