ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
That was an excessively violent trivia night
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
