never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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