He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
