Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We left an ass print on the piano.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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