She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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