Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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