i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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