at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
