I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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