I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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