Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
