I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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