Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
