Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
