its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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