Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
