John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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