true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
