haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
